I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
