i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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