So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
