Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
