The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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