Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
