We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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