what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
