So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I want her autograph on my taint
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
