The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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