ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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