I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I could fuck to npr.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
