Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
