I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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