mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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