I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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