for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
