I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
