If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
