he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
