I wish I could punch you in the face.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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