I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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