If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I looked at my own cervix.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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