I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
