I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
