Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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