woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
