Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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