Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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