Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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