If i come over, it means nothing
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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