If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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