At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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