he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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