one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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