I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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