You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
