if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
