You smell like stripper and shame
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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