it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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