I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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