Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
