Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
