Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
