I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
