I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
