Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
