come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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