Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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