Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
