So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
